Hi! I'm Annie (Ana Smoker) its good to be here; however, it feels strange to be making a blog post again... You can see on my blogging link that I already have posts from years past. That's because this is the third race I have done through Adventures In Missions :) My first trip was a three-month semester trip to South Africa and Eswatini. And a year later, I got the opportunity to go on an alumni trip to Portugal and Spain hiking the Camino De Santiago and preaching the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Each experience changed my life for the better, so why am I filled with fear and doubt on this upcoming trip?

The race I'm preparing for is the 11&11 Expedition route. In it, I will travel to eleven countries in eleven months. I'll be going to places I adore in Africa, places I've never experienced in Southeast Asia, and will be returning to South America as well. Anyone who knows me knows I'm rarely home due to the fire that has burned deep within my heart for overseas missions ever since I was a child. This trip was my dream for ten years, and now I'm filled with dread, fear, and sorrow at the looming launch date that is before me.

What changed? Perhaps many things, perhaps it's spiritual warfare, but the one thing I keep coming back to is I fell in love with the man I hope to spend forever with... The one I couldn't imagine choosing not to see for 11 long months. I knew getting into the relationship that I was signed up for this mission opportunity, and yet I felt such an overpowering peace and clarity that I should pursue the relationship with Derek, and also continue preparing for the World Race. So that's what I did... everything was perfect until last week. It finally dawned on me that this is my reality: My two dreams in life (missions and marriage) are not going to work together neatly for the next year. In fact, it's going to be like knowingly putting my relationship into the fire, praying that it's iron and will come through the other side shaped and molded into something beautiful.

As good as that all sounds, fear has had me in a choke hold, what if, what if, what if? What if I finally found the one, only to lose the relationship by following God's call? What if I can't handle the pain of the thousands of miles between us? What if? What if God knows what He is doing and has a plan?

Can I trust Him? If I can't trust Him, I'm going to struggle to serve Him in a good way. I'll tell you the truth and not throw false cheer at you, I'm struggling so hard to trust that He is good and has a good plan. And yet I know the truth. I am His daughter of LIGHT, I was called to both serve 11 months overseas and enjoy the sweet relationship that Derek and I have.

Feelings are important and need to be assessed, but they are not always telling you the truth. Even when I am surrounded by the most dreadful anger and despair, God IS THERE. He has a plan for my life, one to prosper me and not to harm me. To give me a hope and a future. The God we serve is a God of truth. He will not lead us astray.

Thank you for reading my thoughts and struggles... I will blog lots more as I continue on this journey, and something I want each reader to know is that it won't always be pretty, put together thoughts. This is a space for raw thoughts, emotions, and experiences to be shared with the world. In our own way, we all struggle in this life serving Jesus to the best of our abilities, but something I'd love to see more of is honest Christians who will allow others to see their pain. Who will be the ones to lead others in vulnerability? Who will be honest enough to create spaces for others to learn through their life experiences? That is what I hope to do :) I'm happy you're here with me and would so so appreciate your prayers as I move forward in this challenging season of life.

-love Annie <33